boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
