Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
