There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
