Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
