Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
