I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
