The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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