1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
