I am spending my child support on dildos
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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