Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
