Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
