A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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