Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Ketchup is God's man juice
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
