mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
