I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
