Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
