If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
