I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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