then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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