I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
