Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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