So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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