What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
