john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
