one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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