first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
