Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
