I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
