Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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