Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
