so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
