Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
