Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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