Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
