I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
