First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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