I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
