i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
