my mouth tastes like poor choices
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
