dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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