i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
