i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Barsexuality is the new black.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
