i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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