WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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