It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
