I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
