The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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