Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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