I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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