Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
