happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
